The Future 

Hi guys! 

This week I have been reading and re- mastering my writing skill. It’s been said that a writer never stops learning, and that’s true. I love learning new things that I didn’t know before. Even if that something is what I should have known from the start. But, hey. Nobody’s perfect.  

It’s also been a week of personal challenges. 

As some of you may know I have battled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. That battle has seen me fall, lose my sense of self and wander in the dark. But it’s also made me stronger and more determined to overcome it. 

Yesterday I hit another milestone. I walked by myself, went to a coffee shop and ordered a hot chocolate. Okay, so it doesn’t seem like that big a deal and to some it probably isn’t, but I haven’t done that in such a long time. I’ve either gone with my husband who is fabulous  dealing with my illness and he’s ordered for the two of us, or we walk together. 

I can’t explain all of those emotions what I felt, but I was almost certain that I’d back out of going. But I didn’t. 

It was a huge deal to me to be able to do that. And I hope to do it more often. 

I am about to start therapy again soon. Earlier this year I was discharged from Primary Care to Secondary where they could keep more of an eye on me while I explore the issues of my past. And with an assessment for Autism in the pipeline it’s all going on. 

My childhood was very traumatic as were my teenage years. A lot of the stuff that happened was swept under the carpet by family members that didn’t want to remember or talk about what happened to me. There are a lot of issues I have to iron out and put my suffering to bed. 

How I will cope during that process is going to be hard to tell. 

Which is why I must put this blog aside for now and concentrate on overcoming this obstacle that I call recovery.  

It pains me to do so, but I can’t give you my all if I’m not whole myself. 

In the past four years I have loved writing posts about writing and various things and I hope that my ramblings have helped you in someway. 

Soooo…. 

It’s with that I say goodbye for now. 

Hopefully I’ll be back blogging about something insignificant again one day. 

I hope you continue to meet your goals and achieve your dreams. Never stop going for what you want. 

Blaze

With thanks to  Jamie Street for the image via Unsplash.com 

A Learning Curve In Progress

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Hi guys!

It’s been a week filled with mixed emotions for me following from my first therapy appointment.

I’ve been seeing various professionals for three – four years now. You’d think that by now that it would be of a second nature to not be affected by talking about my issues. That’s not the case.

I left the appointment feeling like I’d just had an out of body experience. My whole body was left tingling and I was feeling quite nauseous. It took a couple of days to get over that. I have been vulnerable to the bad stuff and still feel weak emotionally.

It’s just the package that comes with seeing a specialist. It’s always worse before it gets better.

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You might remember my countdown to editing my novel, Pandora’s Kiss. I made a start on Wednesday (originally I’d planned to start on the 1st of Feb but with me needing downtime to recover I decided to postpone it). I’ve binned just over three hundred words so far and minimised my connective words (my, to, a), and so on. I’m using a text to speech engine to help me pick up on errors and it’s working like a treat. If you’re in the middle of editing or just about to start you might want to download one onto your PC.

It’s going to be a slow process as I want to make sure I catch everything that I can. As someone who has spent the last few years rewriting scenes and characters it’s a strange thing to be editing. I’m on a learning journey and while I am finding it challenging I’m also finding it enthralling.

My weakness as a writer, I feel, is describing internal emotions. My psychologist asked me to describe what happened inside my body and I couldn’t really describe it. I’ve always had that difficulty. While I know how I feel I don’t know how to tell that to others. That’ll get brushed up on during the process of editing.

I’m gearing up for another session of therapy on Monday. I will keep you all posted.

Hope you have a great week!

Until next time,

Blaze

With thanks to Joanna Kosinska for the image via Unsplash.com.

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The First Step to A Long Journey

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Hi guys!

Only two days to go until I start editing Pandora’s Kiss!

This week has been less stressful compared to last week. Apart from a minor family blip things have gone pretty smoothly.

My younger brother turned 10 last Tuesday and me and my husband went to celebrate at with his father, stepmum, aunt, uncle and his cousins. He had a Star Wars cake which he tried to have two slices of. A boy of my own heart. Not that he got away with it.

This week has offered up a gateway to recovery. I have finally got a date for therapy after waiting just over a year to start. This has brought up all sorts of emotions from relief to anxiety. I know it’s normal to be anxious about sharing issues with a complete stranger, but it’s still a feeling that I find hard to deal with.

I’ve been thinking about my goals concerning what I’d like to achieve in therapy. I have a huge issue with being social with others. As a writer needs solitary to write that may come as no surprise, but it’s become harder to be around people. I find that I can’t think of things to say and so I become an observer rather than be included.

Another huge issue is attachment. I was treated very poorly by my mother who has always rated men over me. I was subject to abuse by her and one of the guys she fell in love with. It’s due to this that I get attached very easily to others, particularly women because of missing out on that basic as a child.

I’m hoping that at the end of it I will be able to be a lot more relaxed and talkative in social situations and that I won’t get attached as easily or give all of myself in relationships that don’t benefit me.

I will keep you posted on my progress as well as my editing.

Until next week,

Blaze

With thanks to Julia Caesar for the image via Unsplash.com