The Future 

Hi guys! 

This week I have been reading and re- mastering my writing skill. It’s been said that a writer never stops learning, and that’s true. I love learning new things that I didn’t know before. Even if that something is what I should have known from the start. But, hey. Nobody’s perfect.  

It’s also been a week of personal challenges. 

As some of you may know I have battled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. That battle has seen me fall, lose my sense of self and wander in the dark. But it’s also made me stronger and more determined to overcome it. 

Yesterday I hit another milestone. I walked by myself, went to a coffee shop and ordered a hot chocolate. Okay, so it doesn’t seem like that big a deal and to some it probably isn’t, but I haven’t done that in such a long time. I’ve either gone with my husband who is fabulous  dealing with my illness and he’s ordered for the two of us, or we walk together. 

I can’t explain all of those emotions what I felt, but I was almost certain that I’d back out of going. But I didn’t. 

It was a huge deal to me to be able to do that. And I hope to do it more often. 

I am about to start therapy again soon. Earlier this year I was discharged from Primary Care to Secondary where they could keep more of an eye on me while I explore the issues of my past. And with an assessment for Autism in the pipeline it’s all going on. 

My childhood was very traumatic as were my teenage years. A lot of the stuff that happened was swept under the carpet by family members that didn’t want to remember or talk about what happened to me. There are a lot of issues I have to iron out and put my suffering to bed. 

How I will cope during that process is going to be hard to tell. 

Which is why I must put this blog aside for now and concentrate on overcoming this obstacle that I call recovery.  

It pains me to do so, but I can’t give you my all if I’m not whole myself. 

In the past four years I have loved writing posts about writing and various things and I hope that my ramblings have helped you in someway. 

Soooo…. 

It’s with that I say goodbye for now. 

Hopefully I’ll be back blogging about something insignificant again one day. 

I hope you continue to meet your goals and achieve your dreams. Never stop going for what you want. 

Blaze

With thanks to  Jamie Street for the image via Unsplash.com 

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Swings and Roundbaouts

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Hi guys!

I’ve had a terrible week with revising my novel.

There have been times where I’ve been close to tears. Frustration ebbing away at the scenes in my head were coming to life and not on the page.

I have felt like throwing the whole damn thing in the bin. I haven’t and so far have resisted.

I think I’ve been spending so much time caught up in writing that I need a break away from it. To get my head together and sort out these issues that I have with my work. I’m also needing time to take time out to work through my emotions. I am struggling more than usual.

Due to this will be my last for a couple of weeks.

I will pick myself up, dust myself off and will be back with a much fresher outlook.

Until then,

Blaze

With thanks to Joanna Kosinska for the image via Unsplash.com.

Restoring Tranquility After A Hiccup

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Hi guys!

This week has been stressful and emotional.

I’ve had issues with family members that I wish hadn’t existed and have drained all of the life out of me.

My writing has suffered greatly because of this, but I am pushing forward. I’m picking myself up, dusting myself off and moving on.

How am I doing this?

I’ll tell you.

I am meditating every few hours. When I’m eating or drinking a cup of tea. I think about the taste and my breathing. By doing so I’m allowing myself to be in the moment and not focusing on the negative.

I have wrote letters of closure to deal with my emotions and events that have left me feeling a little less than great. I haven’t seen any effects of this, but writing those allowed me to cry and be thankful. It was also something I had been meaning to do for a while as part of letting go of past hurt and regrets.

I’ve also withdrawn from things that threaten my mental health further.

Sometimes it’s frowned upon to take time out for yourself. It’s seen as selfish and despicable, but it’s not.

You can’t give yourself to friends or someone else if you are struggling to function.

Next week I hope that I have something more of worth to share with you.

In the meantime I hope that this can help if you are also having a rough time of it.

Until next time,

Blaze

With thanks to Angelina Litvin for the image via Unsplash.com.

Living With a Mental Illness at Christmas

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Hi guys!

Just under a week to go until Christmas!

For many, it’s a joyful time of the year.  For some, like myself, it’s one of the toughest times that a few don’t survive the New Year.

Personally I’ve always struggled with being happy and cheerful at Christmas. This started to happen when I was fourteen when someone who I loved dearly emigrated and after I reported sexual abuse that saw my mum turn against me. It’s because of this that I find Christmas unbearable and wish for the New Year to start.

If you were to ask anybody what Christmas is about they’d more than likely say family. The answer is different for everybody, of course but to some family is the core meaning for celebrating Christmas.

Being without a family at Christmas is difficult for anyone but when you live with a mental illness it’s just as devastating.  Seeing adverts of happy families in the TV sitting down to Christmas dinner with people gathered around the table leaves me feeling deflated and often alone. Christmas songs can send my mood plummeting within seconds of playing along with general chatter as well.

It’s not just a lack of family that adds to the Christmas blues. Having depression and anxiety sucks every ounce of happiness from my body and soul on the days that have little significance. Being surrounded by cheer and joy has a different effect on different people. Some take solace from it where others feel smothered.

When you’re sad and miserable at such a time it can prove to be difficult. There is pressure to be happy,  to act happy and to revel in the festivities. To not do so, to some, seems pessimistic.  I’ve been told many times to suck it up and smile. This is not to say that I don’t enjoy it because I do. I don’t find it easy being happy all the month through. It’s a personal struggle for me. 

Christmas, for me is about compassion. Remembering to be kind and helpful to those around me. That gives me a sense of purpose and helps me through. As does writing and music.

Although I am saddened by the lack of family and find the days hard because of my mental illness I am so grateful for what I do have. A loving husband and two siblings who make me smile every day.

If you know anyone that is struggling because of mental illness or otherwise, please be a friend to them. There’s nothing more heartwarming to a person who is struggling than a friendly face. 

Wishing you a very Happy Christmas.

With warmth and kindest wishes,

Blaze

With thanks to Luke  Pamer for the image via Unsplash.com

NaNoWriMo: Day Eight.

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Pages: Fifty Three
Word Count: 18,883

Hi guys!

Can you believe it’s been a week already since we started this? How crazy is that? How are we doing?  I know some people who are struggling to put words to a page. They feel like they’re failing. To any one reading this who is a part of that you are NOT failing. Period. Remember, even if you just manage a few hundred or thousand than those words are are still an accomplishment.  Be proud.

I haven’t put down any words today as I’ve been under the weather. Things have been happening and getting out of whack. It’s always good to take a step back now and again.  It’s even more essential when you suffer from mental health problems. I have depression and anxiety and it sucks. 

I was a little hesitant with writing a blog post everyday in favour of NaNoWriMo but I have to say I’m proud of myself. Yes, I’m struggling even now as I write this but I am still present. I haven’t said to myself ‘oh I can’t do it’ or ‘I’m so tired that I can’t string a word together. ‘ I’m still fighting even though I am weary.

It’s hard and it’s something that I wish none of us had to do. I’m taking a big, long break from Facebook.  I don’t find it helps me when I’m struggling so much. It’s nice to walk away from it sometimes.

I hope you are doing well with your word counts and progress. I’m behind you 100%.

Until tomorrow,

Blaze

New Member of HQ

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Hi guys!

Meet this little cutie. Also known as the newest member of the clan. His name is Rodger and he’s only 13 weeks old. Only a wee Bubba!

Rodger is a present from my husband for my twenty sixth birthday which is tomorrow.  Twenty six! Gosh, it doesn’t seem like five minutes since I was turning twenty one. How time flies when you’re having fun.

I was very suprised when my husband said he’d bought me one. After six years if ooh ing and ah hing over the cuties in my local pet store I can finally say that I have a rabbit instead of just dreaming about it. I’m hoping Rodger will help with my mental illness and keep my creative juices flowing over the years that I’ll have him.

I already have two dogs, Patch, a cross between a labrador and a spaniel,  and Tess, a Lakeland Terrier. Tess is seventeen while Patch is the youngest at eight.  While I love them both to bits they don’t help ease my depression and anxiety. I find myself being calmer when I’m around cats and rabbits. Everybody is different which is a good thing. Who’d want to be the same?

It’s also been eight years since I started my magnificent journey with my novel,  Pandora’s Kiss. It now stands at 52k and I’m onto Chapter Sixteen. It’ll be a bit of a stretch as I am having my younger siblings stay over from Thursday until Saturday. Whether I’ll manage to get any work done is a question that I can’t answer.

A busy week ahead but a fulfilling one.

Have a good week!

Blaze

Trigger Warning -Stigma – Living with Depression and Anxiety

Hi guys!

How was your week? Did you enjoy yourself at the weekend?

My week has been uneventful to say the least. I managed to hit one of my targets with communicating (I was a selective mute at school due to being bullied and abused at home and I’m still trying to change that). I managed to hold a conversation with someone who I hardly knew and I was fine.

My weekend, however was horrific.

I’m in a support group and someone had said that they were going to take their own life which was devastating for me but the comments she received were just enough to trigger anybody to self harm or worse.

For those that don’t understand what I mean by trigger I will explain. To trigger someone is to mention something that reminds the victim of what happened and causes them to have flashbacks which can lead to self harm or even suicide. 

By the end of it I felt pretty sickened. When is it ever ok to tell someone who is suicidal to go ahead and do it and to record the whole thing so they can watch? Never. That’s the answer.

Shocked? I was at the time. Not so much now.

Stigma like this happens all of the time for us mental health sufferers. We get belittled and constantly judged and pictured as lazy when really all we’re trying to do is fight another day through the pain,  exhaustion and devastation at bot being able to be ‘normal’ as some call it.

As humans we should be compassionate towards one another and reach out to those who are struggling every single day.

Calling a cry for help or ‘attention seeking’ as some people call it, is harmful and can lead to more bad feeling in the victim. At least that person is teaching out for support and care. Yes, it may not be ideal but that is their way of coping. Should it matter as long as they are safe? No. It shouldn’t. 

I would stay awake all night to talk to that person who was in need, even if it was a false alarm. I would do it for anybody.  People don’t attention seek for fun, they do it because they need help.

Most people don’t understand mental health. How can they when it’s a personal experience that has to be felt? Most of my friends just think I’m being silly and anti social but literally when I’m at my worst I can’t pick up the phone and talk for the fear of bringing them down because if it drains my energy what will it do for them?

Some make it about them while really, it should be how best to support that person.

There’s a risk of 1 in 5 people will be affected by mental health problems in the future.  You may think it won’t happen to you or your friends but like cancer, it doesn’t discriminate. It takes lives needlessly. Be kind. You never know what battle that person might be facing.

Wishing you love and happiness and a peaceful week.

Blaze.