The Future 

Hi guys! 

This week I have been reading and re- mastering my writing skill. It’s been said that a writer never stops learning, and that’s true. I love learning new things that I didn’t know before. Even if that something is what I should have known from the start. But, hey. Nobody’s perfect.  

It’s also been a week of personal challenges. 

As some of you may know I have battled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. That battle has seen me fall, lose my sense of self and wander in the dark. But it’s also made me stronger and more determined to overcome it. 

Yesterday I hit another milestone. I walked by myself, went to a coffee shop and ordered a hot chocolate. Okay, so it doesn’t seem like that big a deal and to some it probably isn’t, but I haven’t done that in such a long time. I’ve either gone with my husband who is fabulous  dealing with my illness and he’s ordered for the two of us, or we walk together. 

I can’t explain all of those emotions what I felt, but I was almost certain that I’d back out of going. But I didn’t. 

It was a huge deal to me to be able to do that. And I hope to do it more often. 

I am about to start therapy again soon. Earlier this year I was discharged from Primary Care to Secondary where they could keep more of an eye on me while I explore the issues of my past. And with an assessment for Autism in the pipeline it’s all going on. 

My childhood was very traumatic as were my teenage years. A lot of the stuff that happened was swept under the carpet by family members that didn’t want to remember or talk about what happened to me. There are a lot of issues I have to iron out and put my suffering to bed. 

How I will cope during that process is going to be hard to tell. 

Which is why I must put this blog aside for now and concentrate on overcoming this obstacle that I call recovery.  

It pains me to do so, but I can’t give you my all if I’m not whole myself. 

In the past four years I have loved writing posts about writing and various things and I hope that my ramblings have helped you in someway. 

Soooo…. 

It’s with that I say goodbye for now. 

Hopefully I’ll be back blogging about something insignificant again one day. 

I hope you continue to meet your goals and achieve your dreams. Never stop going for what you want. 

Blaze

With thanks to  Jamie Street for the image via Unsplash.com 

Advertisements

Preparing to Fail, Being Scared of Success.

image

Hi guys!

This week I achieved a goal of my own.

Walking three miles on my own.

That might not sound much, but to someone who hasn’t done that length in solitary can be a big thing.

Especially when hindered by anxiety.

It happened accidentally.

I’d decided to go for a short walk.

During the course of that I thought. ‘No. If I’m going to do this. Let’s go all the way.’

The anxiety was still nibbling away at me at a small frequency, but it was manageable.

My husband could hardly believe it when I’d told him.

‘How’d you feel now that you’ve done it?’
He’d asked that night.

I thought about it.

I didn’t feel a thing.

‘You should do. That was a big thing. You should be proud of yourself.’

But there was nothing.

No elation. No sense of accomplishment.

Nothing.

I didn’t understand it. I’d been happy and bubbling when outside. Yet it was almost as if it hadn’t happened at all.

I’m wondering whether it’s because I have always set myself up for failure. Perhaps all those years of playing down success as luck have numbed me to any sort of achievement.

I’ve always struggled with being positive. Whenever I get a good feeling about something it always turns out to be because of something negative. Coming from a family full of negativity it’s unsurprising. And it’s something that I’m sick to the back teeth of.

How do I expect something good to happen if all these bad thoughts cloud my brain?

No chance is there?

Having depression doesn’t really help, either.

This past week I have been looking into the Law of Attraction for encouragement. Although, at  the minute I’m more discouraged.

I’m willing to give anything a go once.

I’m still working on editing/ revising my WIP. Still not happy with it.

Until next week,

Blaze

With thanks to Jeremy Thomas for the image via Unsplash.com.

Goals and New Projects

image

Hi guys!

Here we are on day two of 2016!

Did you have a great new year? Me and my husband spent New Year’s Eve eating pizza, drinking WKD and playing monopoly. Pretty lame, huh? 😀

Well, we had a good time at least.

I spent New Year’s Day putting pen to paper for my new novel, Bloodlines. Bloodlines is going to be a crime thriller focusing on various characters but mainly Celia Morpeth, a criminal profiler who gets called to help with a haunting case with the Metropolitan Police are struggling to get their heads around. Mothers of all ages are being murdered and their children, all girls, are vanishing without a trace. As the story progresses it becomes clear that they are being used as sex slaves which stirs up some unwanted memories for Celia.

I wrote the prologue along with the first few parts and while this story is relatively new in the making it’s something that has been brewing away for a while. It’s currently at 3,075 words. I will be adding more tonight and all the way through until the end of January.

The novel is part and parcel of a challenge called JanUWriMo, brought to my attention by a writer’s group on Facebook.

JanUWriMo is just like NaNoWriMo only apart from the obvious. Instead of writing 50k in Novemeber you do it in January. The target is still 50k. Only this time it’s a lot harder as I have to start from nothing whereas I knew exactly where I was headed in November. 

Hard, but it’s not impossible.

My writing goals this year are;

– To have two short stories published
– To have Pandora’s Kiss professionally edited
– To attend a writer’s conference  

My personal goals are;

– To journal three times a week
– Make a note of things that I’m grateful for once a week
– To not be so negative or tough on myself on my bad days
– To take part in creative outlets (scrapbooking, colouring in etc) when I’m struggling
– To put all of myself into therapy when it starts

These might seem like a lot of things but spread them out over the year they’ll appear to be very minimal.

I will be documenting my progress as we go through 2016.

Let’s make it a good one!

Until next week,

Blaze

With thanks to Kazuend for the image via Unsplash.com

The Day After Christmas

image

Hi guys!

Sorry the post is late. I had scheduled it to post sooner but I’d forgotten to press the schedule button. :/

How are we all? I hope you all had a great Christmas.

I spent Christmas with my Nan, husband and our dog, Patch watching old re – runs of top of the pops featuring Christmas songs, Morcambe and Wise Christmas Specials and Only Fools and Horses. Christmas Dinner consisted of a turkey crown, stuffing,  mashed potato, mixed veg and parsnip.

Yum!

We were joined by my siblings for tea and more present opening. My husband and I had bought them a mug each. My sister, who is eight is a big fan of everything Frozen and my brother who is nine (turning ten in January) is big on anything to do with Spiderman and Despicable Me. We’d then bought them stickers and stationary along with a homemade colouring book.

Now that Christmas has been and gone (almost) I’m thinking ahead to next year, setting goals and what I’d like to achieve. I’m starting a new journal as I start one every year along with a gratitude journal to combat my depression and a scrapbook for a pick me up when I’m struggling.

What are your goals as we head into 2016?

I’m not making resolutions. Instead I’m going to work on what I can improve. Resolutions never stick, anyway.

Thank you for all of your likes, comments and follows this year. I hope you have a great new year and I’ll be here to greet you on the 2nd of January. :).

See you then,

Blaze

With thanks to Rebecca Johnston for the image via Unsplash.com.