The Future 

Hi guys! 

This week I have been reading and re- mastering my writing skill. It’s been said that a writer never stops learning, and that’s true. I love learning new things that I didn’t know before. Even if that something is what I should have known from the start. But, hey. Nobody’s perfect.  

It’s also been a week of personal challenges. 

As some of you may know I have battled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. That battle has seen me fall, lose my sense of self and wander in the dark. But it’s also made me stronger and more determined to overcome it. 

Yesterday I hit another milestone. I walked by myself, went to a coffee shop and ordered a hot chocolate. Okay, so it doesn’t seem like that big a deal and to some it probably isn’t, but I haven’t done that in such a long time. I’ve either gone with my husband who is fabulous  dealing with my illness and he’s ordered for the two of us, or we walk together. 

I can’t explain all of those emotions what I felt, but I was almost certain that I’d back out of going. But I didn’t. 

It was a huge deal to me to be able to do that. And I hope to do it more often. 

I am about to start therapy again soon. Earlier this year I was discharged from Primary Care to Secondary where they could keep more of an eye on me while I explore the issues of my past. And with an assessment for Autism in the pipeline it’s all going on. 

My childhood was very traumatic as were my teenage years. A lot of the stuff that happened was swept under the carpet by family members that didn’t want to remember or talk about what happened to me. There are a lot of issues I have to iron out and put my suffering to bed. 

How I will cope during that process is going to be hard to tell. 

Which is why I must put this blog aside for now and concentrate on overcoming this obstacle that I call recovery.  

It pains me to do so, but I can’t give you my all if I’m not whole myself. 

In the past four years I have loved writing posts about writing and various things and I hope that my ramblings have helped you in someway. 

Soooo…. 

It’s with that I say goodbye for now. 

Hopefully I’ll be back blogging about something insignificant again one day. 

I hope you continue to meet your goals and achieve your dreams. Never stop going for what you want. 

Blaze

With thanks to  Jamie Street for the image via Unsplash.com 

Advertisements

The First Step to A Long Journey

image

Hi guys!

Only two days to go until I start editing Pandora’s Kiss!

This week has been less stressful compared to last week. Apart from a minor family blip things have gone pretty smoothly.

My younger brother turned 10 last Tuesday and me and my husband went to celebrate at with his father, stepmum, aunt, uncle and his cousins. He had a Star Wars cake which he tried to have two slices of. A boy of my own heart. Not that he got away with it.

This week has offered up a gateway to recovery. I have finally got a date for therapy after waiting just over a year to start. This has brought up all sorts of emotions from relief to anxiety. I know it’s normal to be anxious about sharing issues with a complete stranger, but it’s still a feeling that I find hard to deal with.

I’ve been thinking about my goals concerning what I’d like to achieve in therapy. I have a huge issue with being social with others. As a writer needs solitary to write that may come as no surprise, but it’s become harder to be around people. I find that I can’t think of things to say and so I become an observer rather than be included.

Another huge issue is attachment. I was treated very poorly by my mother who has always rated men over me. I was subject to abuse by her and one of the guys she fell in love with. It’s due to this that I get attached very easily to others, particularly women because of missing out on that basic as a child.

I’m hoping that at the end of it I will be able to be a lot more relaxed and talkative in social situations and that I won’t get attached as easily or give all of myself in relationships that don’t benefit me.

I will keep you posted on my progress as well as my editing.

Until next week,

Blaze

With thanks to Julia Caesar for the image via Unsplash.com

Writing To A Deadline

image

Hi guys!

Twenty three days until the big edit starts! Eek!

Week One of JanuWriMo is over with and I am at twelve thousand words.

It hasn’t been easy working from an outline alone but I’m getting there. 🙂

I’m a by the seat of my pants kind of woman. Usually, I write the dialogue freehand in the form of a script before I start typing up the narrative on a computer. It gives me more freedom than an outline, I find.

It’s not just the outline I’ve found hard. My depression and anxiety has been on the rise this week after two weeks of respite. To end up in that black hole after some time away has been really difficult. I’ve tried distracting myself but the feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and useless just keep getting worse.

Here’s the opening paragraph to Bloodlines.  

Enjoy!

She stood at the bottom of the bed, her eyes lingering on the sleeping woman tucked up in her flowery duvet. The sight made her want to vomit. She’d seen it all before, of course. Women with great structured lives, happy children and some well-built hunk to share it all with. Her parents had tried to pull of the same act right under her nose. Well, they weren’t exactly parents. She had no ties to them biologically. Unlike her so called sister who was top of the shitheap. What did she care, anyhow? She was used to coming last. Not anymore. She was sick of it. The time had come to where she’d be recognised for her greatness. The woman under the quilt rolled onto her back. First, she’d start with her.

Hope you liked it,

Until next week,

Blaze

With thanks to Bino Storyteller for the image via Unsplash.com

The Day After Christmas

image

Hi guys!

Sorry the post is late. I had scheduled it to post sooner but I’d forgotten to press the schedule button. :/

How are we all? I hope you all had a great Christmas.

I spent Christmas with my Nan, husband and our dog, Patch watching old re – runs of top of the pops featuring Christmas songs, Morcambe and Wise Christmas Specials and Only Fools and Horses. Christmas Dinner consisted of a turkey crown, stuffing,  mashed potato, mixed veg and parsnip.

Yum!

We were joined by my siblings for tea and more present opening. My husband and I had bought them a mug each. My sister, who is eight is a big fan of everything Frozen and my brother who is nine (turning ten in January) is big on anything to do with Spiderman and Despicable Me. We’d then bought them stickers and stationary along with a homemade colouring book.

Now that Christmas has been and gone (almost) I’m thinking ahead to next year, setting goals and what I’d like to achieve. I’m starting a new journal as I start one every year along with a gratitude journal to combat my depression and a scrapbook for a pick me up when I’m struggling.

What are your goals as we head into 2016?

I’m not making resolutions. Instead I’m going to work on what I can improve. Resolutions never stick, anyway.

Thank you for all of your likes, comments and follows this year. I hope you have a great new year and I’ll be here to greet you on the 2nd of January. :).

See you then,

Blaze

With thanks to Rebecca Johnston for the image via Unsplash.com.

NaNoWriMo: Day Twenty Four

image

Pages: One Hundred and Sixty Four
Word Count: 55,019

Hi guys!

Not a bad writing day. I managed to get a chapter and a half done. My goal was at least a chapter. I’m more than happy with that.

I have seen people posting their winning certificates on my writing groups on social media and I think it’s fantastic that so many have reached that goal. If you’re one of them then congratulations. If not, there is still time. Keep at it and you’ll get there. I’m going to try and validate mine later and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Yesterday’s brain fog has lifted (yay) but has now been replaced with other unpleasantness. I’m feeling a little sad and irritable,  the symptoms of a depressive episode so I’m taking the time to do other things that I like to do to try to supress it. I’ll probably just spend it colouring in or reading in my study out of the way until I feel better.

I hope it’s sometime soon.

Hope you are all well and meeting your goals.

Happy Writing!

Until tomorrow,

Blaze

NaNoWriMo: Day Eight.

image

Pages: Fifty Three
Word Count: 18,883

Hi guys!

Can you believe it’s been a week already since we started this? How crazy is that? How are we doing?  I know some people who are struggling to put words to a page. They feel like they’re failing. To any one reading this who is a part of that you are NOT failing. Period. Remember, even if you just manage a few hundred or thousand than those words are are still an accomplishment.  Be proud.

I haven’t put down any words today as I’ve been under the weather. Things have been happening and getting out of whack. It’s always good to take a step back now and again.  It’s even more essential when you suffer from mental health problems. I have depression and anxiety and it sucks. 

I was a little hesitant with writing a blog post everyday in favour of NaNoWriMo but I have to say I’m proud of myself. Yes, I’m struggling even now as I write this but I am still present. I haven’t said to myself ‘oh I can’t do it’ or ‘I’m so tired that I can’t string a word together. ‘ I’m still fighting even though I am weary.

It’s hard and it’s something that I wish none of us had to do. I’m taking a big, long break from Facebook.  I don’t find it helps me when I’m struggling so much. It’s nice to walk away from it sometimes.

I hope you are doing well with your word counts and progress. I’m behind you 100%.

Until tomorrow,

Blaze

Trigger Warning -Stigma – Living with Depression and Anxiety

Hi guys!

How was your week? Did you enjoy yourself at the weekend?

My week has been uneventful to say the least. I managed to hit one of my targets with communicating (I was a selective mute at school due to being bullied and abused at home and I’m still trying to change that). I managed to hold a conversation with someone who I hardly knew and I was fine.

My weekend, however was horrific.

I’m in a support group and someone had said that they were going to take their own life which was devastating for me but the comments she received were just enough to trigger anybody to self harm or worse.

For those that don’t understand what I mean by trigger I will explain. To trigger someone is to mention something that reminds the victim of what happened and causes them to have flashbacks which can lead to self harm or even suicide. 

By the end of it I felt pretty sickened. When is it ever ok to tell someone who is suicidal to go ahead and do it and to record the whole thing so they can watch? Never. That’s the answer.

Shocked? I was at the time. Not so much now.

Stigma like this happens all of the time for us mental health sufferers. We get belittled and constantly judged and pictured as lazy when really all we’re trying to do is fight another day through the pain,  exhaustion and devastation at bot being able to be ‘normal’ as some call it.

As humans we should be compassionate towards one another and reach out to those who are struggling every single day.

Calling a cry for help or ‘attention seeking’ as some people call it, is harmful and can lead to more bad feeling in the victim. At least that person is teaching out for support and care. Yes, it may not be ideal but that is their way of coping. Should it matter as long as they are safe? No. It shouldn’t. 

I would stay awake all night to talk to that person who was in need, even if it was a false alarm. I would do it for anybody.  People don’t attention seek for fun, they do it because they need help.

Most people don’t understand mental health. How can they when it’s a personal experience that has to be felt? Most of my friends just think I’m being silly and anti social but literally when I’m at my worst I can’t pick up the phone and talk for the fear of bringing them down because if it drains my energy what will it do for them?

Some make it about them while really, it should be how best to support that person.

There’s a risk of 1 in 5 people will be affected by mental health problems in the future.  You may think it won’t happen to you or your friends but like cancer, it doesn’t discriminate. It takes lives needlessly. Be kind. You never know what battle that person might be facing.

Wishing you love and happiness and a peaceful week.

Blaze.