The Future 

Hi guys! 

This week I have been reading and re- mastering my writing skill. It’s been said that a writer never stops learning, and that’s true. I love learning new things that I didn’t know before. Even if that something is what I should have known from the start. But, hey. Nobody’s perfect.  

It’s also been a week of personal challenges. 

As some of you may know I have battled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. That battle has seen me fall, lose my sense of self and wander in the dark. But it’s also made me stronger and more determined to overcome it. 

Yesterday I hit another milestone. I walked by myself, went to a coffee shop and ordered a hot chocolate. Okay, so it doesn’t seem like that big a deal and to some it probably isn’t, but I haven’t done that in such a long time. I’ve either gone with my husband who is fabulous  dealing with my illness and he’s ordered for the two of us, or we walk together. 

I can’t explain all of those emotions what I felt, but I was almost certain that I’d back out of going. But I didn’t. 

It was a huge deal to me to be able to do that. And I hope to do it more often. 

I am about to start therapy again soon. Earlier this year I was discharged from Primary Care to Secondary where they could keep more of an eye on me while I explore the issues of my past. And with an assessment for Autism in the pipeline it’s all going on. 

My childhood was very traumatic as were my teenage years. A lot of the stuff that happened was swept under the carpet by family members that didn’t want to remember or talk about what happened to me. There are a lot of issues I have to iron out and put my suffering to bed. 

How I will cope during that process is going to be hard to tell. 

Which is why I must put this blog aside for now and concentrate on overcoming this obstacle that I call recovery.  

It pains me to do so, but I can’t give you my all if I’m not whole myself. 

In the past four years I have loved writing posts about writing and various things and I hope that my ramblings have helped you in someway. 

Soooo…. 

It’s with that I say goodbye for now. 

Hopefully I’ll be back blogging about something insignificant again one day. 

I hope you continue to meet your goals and achieve your dreams. Never stop going for what you want. 

Blaze

With thanks to  Jamie Street for the image via Unsplash.com 

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Writing To A Deadline

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Hi guys!

Twenty three days until the big edit starts! Eek!

Week One of JanuWriMo is over with and I am at twelve thousand words.

It hasn’t been easy working from an outline alone but I’m getting there. 🙂

I’m a by the seat of my pants kind of woman. Usually, I write the dialogue freehand in the form of a script before I start typing up the narrative on a computer. It gives me more freedom than an outline, I find.

It’s not just the outline I’ve found hard. My depression and anxiety has been on the rise this week after two weeks of respite. To end up in that black hole after some time away has been really difficult. I’ve tried distracting myself but the feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and useless just keep getting worse.

Here’s the opening paragraph to Bloodlines.  

Enjoy!

She stood at the bottom of the bed, her eyes lingering on the sleeping woman tucked up in her flowery duvet. The sight made her want to vomit. She’d seen it all before, of course. Women with great structured lives, happy children and some well-built hunk to share it all with. Her parents had tried to pull of the same act right under her nose. Well, they weren’t exactly parents. She had no ties to them biologically. Unlike her so called sister who was top of the shitheap. What did she care, anyhow? She was used to coming last. Not anymore. She was sick of it. The time had come to where she’d be recognised for her greatness. The woman under the quilt rolled onto her back. First, she’d start with her.

Hope you liked it,

Until next week,

Blaze

With thanks to Bino Storyteller for the image via Unsplash.com

NaNoWriMo: Day Eight.

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Pages: Fifty Three
Word Count: 18,883

Hi guys!

Can you believe it’s been a week already since we started this? How crazy is that? How are we doing?  I know some people who are struggling to put words to a page. They feel like they’re failing. To any one reading this who is a part of that you are NOT failing. Period. Remember, even if you just manage a few hundred or thousand than those words are are still an accomplishment.  Be proud.

I haven’t put down any words today as I’ve been under the weather. Things have been happening and getting out of whack. It’s always good to take a step back now and again.  It’s even more essential when you suffer from mental health problems. I have depression and anxiety and it sucks. 

I was a little hesitant with writing a blog post everyday in favour of NaNoWriMo but I have to say I’m proud of myself. Yes, I’m struggling even now as I write this but I am still present. I haven’t said to myself ‘oh I can’t do it’ or ‘I’m so tired that I can’t string a word together. ‘ I’m still fighting even though I am weary.

It’s hard and it’s something that I wish none of us had to do. I’m taking a big, long break from Facebook.  I don’t find it helps me when I’m struggling so much. It’s nice to walk away from it sometimes.

I hope you are doing well with your word counts and progress. I’m behind you 100%.

Until tomorrow,

Blaze

Trigger Warning -Stigma – Living with Depression and Anxiety

Hi guys!

How was your week? Did you enjoy yourself at the weekend?

My week has been uneventful to say the least. I managed to hit one of my targets with communicating (I was a selective mute at school due to being bullied and abused at home and I’m still trying to change that). I managed to hold a conversation with someone who I hardly knew and I was fine.

My weekend, however was horrific.

I’m in a support group and someone had said that they were going to take their own life which was devastating for me but the comments she received were just enough to trigger anybody to self harm or worse.

For those that don’t understand what I mean by trigger I will explain. To trigger someone is to mention something that reminds the victim of what happened and causes them to have flashbacks which can lead to self harm or even suicide. 

By the end of it I felt pretty sickened. When is it ever ok to tell someone who is suicidal to go ahead and do it and to record the whole thing so they can watch? Never. That’s the answer.

Shocked? I was at the time. Not so much now.

Stigma like this happens all of the time for us mental health sufferers. We get belittled and constantly judged and pictured as lazy when really all we’re trying to do is fight another day through the pain,  exhaustion and devastation at bot being able to be ‘normal’ as some call it.

As humans we should be compassionate towards one another and reach out to those who are struggling every single day.

Calling a cry for help or ‘attention seeking’ as some people call it, is harmful and can lead to more bad feeling in the victim. At least that person is teaching out for support and care. Yes, it may not be ideal but that is their way of coping. Should it matter as long as they are safe? No. It shouldn’t. 

I would stay awake all night to talk to that person who was in need, even if it was a false alarm. I would do it for anybody.  People don’t attention seek for fun, they do it because they need help.

Most people don’t understand mental health. How can they when it’s a personal experience that has to be felt? Most of my friends just think I’m being silly and anti social but literally when I’m at my worst I can’t pick up the phone and talk for the fear of bringing them down because if it drains my energy what will it do for them?

Some make it about them while really, it should be how best to support that person.

There’s a risk of 1 in 5 people will be affected by mental health problems in the future.  You may think it won’t happen to you or your friends but like cancer, it doesn’t discriminate. It takes lives needlessly. Be kind. You never know what battle that person might be facing.

Wishing you love and happiness and a peaceful week.

Blaze.

Adult Colouring Books (my new addiction)

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Hi guys!

I’m sure you’ve all heard about the craze that is adult colouring books  over the recent months. I picked up my first one on Saturday and was so excited to dive right in and give it a go.

After not having a particularly good week with my anxiety and depression it was right up my street. I’d heard people say that it relieves the feelings and gives you an uplifting boost. On Sunday I sat down with my colouring pencils and felt tips and and just coloured away.

I’m not artistically gifted when drawing my own things so this was the next best thing in adapting myself creatively. I found it very relaxing and calm during the session and I’d highly recommend it to anyone who is struggling with their issues of mental health.

I had a hard time choosing which one to purchase as I loved the Enchanted Forest and Secret Garden books and I was torn between not getting them but I’m pleased I decided to purchase this one. The pictures are absolutely stunning and it also gives you the opportunity to draw. An absolute no no for me! 🙂

Currently, my writing stands at 32K which is going to be very problematic as I’m only on Chapter Nine. It’s the first draft that I’ve ever went way out of the word count within the first several chapters.

Anyway, here’s the finished product and I’ll be back with more fun soon.

Have a good week!

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Time to Talk Day: Take 5

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Time to Change is an organisation which was set up in order to break the stigma with mental health so that nobody suffers in silence.

Today is Time to Talk Day. What that means is, is that you take five minutes out of your schedule to talk about your experiences with mental health problems or simply check in with a friend or colleague to make sure they’re okay.

I’ve already posted pictures on my Facebook page to raise awareness of Time to Change and to get people to think about breaking the stigma. I think this is highly important as there are people from all around the world who suffer in silence. Nobody should have to do that.

To contribute I am going to share five things that I’ve learned while living with depression and anxiety and possibly other factors that are yet to be diagnosed fully.

1. To be compassionate.

Not only towards other people but also towards myself. We’re all guilty of calling ourselves when we miss that all important meeting or if the dinner gets burned while the attention’s elsewhere. All it does when we call ourselves bad things  is make us sad and we take a little piece of ourselves each time. It’s even harder to be compassionate when depressed or anxious but it is something that I am trying to adherence to in every day life.

2. To meditate every once in a while.

When my semi adoptive mum first suggested I try meditation I imagined humming, sitting cross legged in a dark room and occassional chanting of ridiculous words. To my surprise though, meditation is nothing like I thought it would be. I sometimes take a walk while listening to a guy telling me what to pay attention to and how it feels. It feels strange but it clears the mind of everything and gets you back to you and not the hustle and bustle of family or commitments. It reminds me that even though I’m ill I’m still a person and that I can enjoy the world around me.

3. That friends remove themselves.

Not deliberately. With my illness I tend to be negative and sometimes it can be draining to be around someone who is constantly putting themselves down or hating the world around them. I know since I revealed my illness to them they have been absent from my life and my struggles. I had an extremely tough few months last year and as I came out of it decided to contact a friend and she said ‘You haven’t been in touch for months. I didn’t know what to think.’ I have tried repairing bridges but they don’t want to know. I wish them every success in life. Sometimes people can’t understand the illness and see things as black and white. You either call or don’t call. They don’t call they clearly aren’t worth bothering with. Mental illness is much, much more complex than the absence of a voice.

4. To learn new things.

I’ve always liked learning things. Before my illness consumed me I was studying with the Open University towards an English Literature degree but sadly I couldn’t concentrate and felt it best to leave it until I was better. I’d previously studied creative writing with them a couple of years before and passed. There is always something amazing to learn. The world is full of mystery but we can’t appreciate it if our eyes are closed.

5. To love.

Depression and anxiety will only be temporary but love is a twenty four seven thing. Love, as they say makes the world go round and we can all play a part of that.

Blaze

Recovery

As 1 in 4 of us will suffer from a mental related illness at some point in our lives it is something that needs talking about, hence why I’m writing this post.

As you might have read previous posts I suffer from depression and anxiety and have done since the age of eleven due to being physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally abused by my mother and her on/off boyfriend.

I went to my third assessment in a year for mental health as things hadn’t been improving even with therapy. The woman who I saw was lovely, though she seemed surprised that I’d mentioned my suspicions of having a Dependant Personality Disorder.

This might seem strange but to me it makes sense. I never had a loving mother which led to me being extremely attached to other women. Some being teachers at school, others being mums of my friends.

One woman who I became attached to was a lady who became my mentor who was assigned to help me build confidence and self esteem but that never really happened. I was quite distant with her at first. I wouldn’t talk and this had made her question what she was doing wrong. Not knowing my background it was only to be expected. She was only supposed to have me for a year but ended up having me for five until she and her husband and daughter moved to Australia when I was thirteen. We’re still in touch now and is now known to me as my semi adoptive mother.

The meeting went on for quite a while with me talking about everything  that had happened, what my days consist of,  energy levels and that kind of thing. The assessor agreed that I hadn’t transitioned into an adult and that I was still a child which is what can happen when a child isn’t nurtured properly. It was established by her that my depression wasn’t clinical as tablets didn’t work and if it had been that then theh would have had some effect.

I am waiting to hear whether I qualify for a diagnosis to see whether it is a Personality Disorder and if not I will be integreted into Primary Psychology. The assesor had her doubts about what could be done when counselling wasn’t useful but she said she’d talk it over and get back in touch.

I only hope that this is a road to recovery that is true. Being a child almost and longing for a mother is something that I don’t want for my future. I would love it if it were to happen but the chances of it now are non existant. It’s time to move on.

Blaze