The Wings Of A Brittle Butterfly

In my first post I said that I was going to discuss mental health issues. There has been a lot of articles circulating in the media for quite some time now, that it needs to stop being a taboo subject and being feared of.

Frankie, from the Saturdays, talked about her episode of depression in Glamour magazine a few months ago and I remember thinking ‘Wow! Good on her.’ People should be talking more about how they feel in general instead of hiding it and putting on a brave face.

I’m just as guilty of this as the next person. I like to keep my issues to myself because of the fact that I’m not a big talker to start with and tend to bury what I’m feeling until I get to write in my journal, which sometimes annoys my fiance but only because he wants to know what’s going on inside my head.

You might have heard the that depression and anxiety go hand in hand, and it does. In the past I’ve suffered them both at seperate times during my teenage years. Depression struck at the age of twelve, which of course is hard to treat at such a young age because of hormones and puberty. due to being sexually abused and viciously bullied at school and at home.

At the time I didn’t realise what was going on inside my head, in your teens you don’t do you? You just go with what you feel, and I did. The depression heightened further when a good friend of mine moved away to Austrailia before I turned thirteen and then six months after that, having realised that what I’d endured was abuse, I spoke out.

Anxiety had found its way into the groove then sadly, it led be to a bout of self harm which fizzled out as quickly as it started and as the investigation into the accusation went on I began having panic attacks and hallucinations that I was going to be laughed at for being stupid.

It’s been like this for some time and now I’m having to draw all my strength that I have to fight depression and anxiety again. The anxiety is slowly ruining my ability to write as I question everything that I’m doing and constantly think that I’n not good enough to produce a work of art with my background. I know that it’s just my inner critic and I’m determined to prove her wrong.

Thanks for reading and I hope I didn’t bore you too much!

‘I am not my past, but I am my future.’

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